Last night I relented. I spoke the truth of the distance I feel from God. I said the words aloud- I have searched my heart, I have repented, I have confessed, and yet I have not felt Him in my life. As Mrs. Johnston prayed over me, my heart began to soften and His love began to overwhelm. I left church and headed to Target, in the car I listed all my reasons for God's lack of love. Here is how that conversation went...
"You have yet to bring me a spouse! I do not want to be single. If you loved me, I would be married."
He said, "Oh, beautiful Israel, do you really want a king? Am I not enough? Are the other kingdoms really that better off?"
I said, "Fine. Why do things never go the way I want them? You always shut down my will, I am doing things for You, and yet You never listen to my plans."
He is so honestly gentle, He rebukes His children in love, "Abraham, I have been faithful to you, I long for the nations to birthed through you and Sarah. How badly do you want My will your way?"
There had to another reason for Him to with hold His love, "I obey, and obey, and obey- while you leave and inflict pain and failure."
I said to much, He called me out, "You are not Hosea- You are his wife- the woman I chase down, rescue, restore, and love- every time, with out fail. You are my beloved- you can push Me away all you want- but I will search every bed for you."
When will I learn, His will, His way, His child. Last night I relented, I was outlandish in my assertion, He was loving in His truth. I was pushing Him away, He was drawing close. I was running, and He was prodigal (extravagantly wasteful) with His love.
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